so i went to the beach with the family for the weekend and got burnt. really burnt. i didn’t really need to buy any souvenirs because i am unlikely to ever forget just how burnt i am. so i got up this morning thinking i should join a nudist colony. then i thought that they may have it worse than their clothed counterparts…after all, at least there were SOME parts of me that escaped the sun. but the thought of clothes today caused some severe cringing. i didn’t even know my hair could cringe, but it managed.
unfortunately, i had to cover myself since i have to take the kids to school, and there is just no way to blend in here when you’re publicly naked. so, i grit my teeth and scraped some clothes over my cooked self and winced my way down the stairs to the car. I held myself completely rigid in the driver’s seat, gave the kids quick kisses on the tops of their heads as i avoided their hugs, and made a quick getaway from the kindergarten so my youngest wouldn’t want to sit on my lap while i read her a story. I raced home (as quickly as one can without moving too quickly) and into a cold shower. then came the hard part…what to wear for the rest of the day? nothing seemed to work! loose fitting clothes would shift and rub. Tight fitting clothes, obviously, rubbed continuously everywhere. shorts? no way, the hem was rough on a very sensitive area of my thighs. tank tops? nope. the straps were agony personified. and a bra? forget it! i tried on every single one, and they all made me want to whimper and curse! but i had a baby shower to go to, so hanging out naked in my apartment just wasn’t an option. so i dug deep. really deep. in my underwear drawer. and there it was. a gift from my bachelorette party many years ago: a corset.
never in my life did i think the day would come when the most comfortable thing in my closet was a corset. but that day was today. it was perfect. it only touched, for the most part, the skin that was not burnt, since i wore a relatively modest suit. honestly, once i finally got the blasted ties done and hook and eyes all hooked and eyed, i looked pretty darn good! my stomach was nice and flat, my waist tiny, my boobs positively fabulous! and it did wonders for my posture! so i struggled into that, pulled on a long maxi skirt and tank (which still hurt, but with the corset it wasn’t as painful), and off i went. as the shower went on, i found a couple of other wonderful pros for the ancient device. for example, i didn’t need to have a chair with a back on it. everywhere i say was a chair because the boning in the corset propped me upright rather well. Also, it was a great conversation piece. “are you wearing a corset?”, “why, yes. yes, i am.” it was brilliant. i started to wonder exactly why these wonderful accessories went out of style.
well, several hours later, i have started to notice the drawbacks. 1. i can’t really eat as much as i’d like. that means no marshmallow cream from the jar today, and those of you who know me should realize how devastating that really is; 2. i miss slouching. my back and sides are getting sore in a way unrelated to sun over cooking. how do people with good posture do this all day? 3. i can’t scratch the itch under the corset! which, of course, makes me itch more! 4. my husband is under the false impression that i’m wearing this thing for him and tells me he’s very excited to get home tonight. he’s in for a crushing disappointment, obviously. if he touches me, i may stab him with my marshmallow cream jar, and that would be tragic for both of us.
so, bottom line, don’t get burnt. if you do, don’t plan to go anywhere that requires clothing. if you do, wear the corset, but don’t tell the husband. the story was long, but i figured it was necessary for you to understand the nuggets of wisdom i felt compelled to share with you. although, i am almost positive what you’re really thinking at this point is whether i’m still wearing the blasted thing.
why yes. yes, i am.